A commentary on the 'bailout'

Some friends emailed the following, and you will find it on the above link. I thought it was really funny in a sad sort of way. But very true....

An Editorial from the Bettendorf News:


Crime May Not Pay, But Criminal Incompetence Seems To
Wayne Marshall

An Open Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury, Mr. Henry Paulson:

Dear Mr. Secretary:

Please forward the necessary paperwork so that I may apply for a government bailout. After the past six months watching various major corporations and certain individuals receive federal relief and assistance due to poor decision-making, fiduciary misconduct, irresponsibility and outright fraud, I have concluded that my personal experience deserves equal consideration.
Note that I have not arrived at this determination lightly, but first consulted an economist friend who admitted he needed a good laugh.
I will provide complete details along with the formal application, but here are a few examples of the misfortune I have encountered because of my own stupidity:
1. When I refinanced my mortgage three years ago, I foolishly chose to keep all the equity in my home. Therefore, the remaining balance is comparatively small and the monthly payments not especially arduous. Obviously this was a serious financial mistake. Had I realized that your agency would eventually be willing to relieve me of any responsibility for liquidating my loan, I would have refinanced at 120% of value at zero monthly interest, then used the proceeds to purchase outright a condo in Aruba or some other locale without extradition.
2. Similarly, I am not upside-down on my auto loan, and in fact have only a few payments remaining before I own the Ford pickup outright. While this sensible vehicle has served me admirably, again I did not exercise good judgment in my choice of transportation. Instead, I should have obtained a gigantic home equity loan, and be driving a Porsche Cayman on which my fellow citizens could now make the payments.
3. Besides the above-mentioned domicile and some savings, my personal fortune is essentially limited to a pension and a small 401(k). This is because my financial advisor (basically me) persisted in a fiscally-conservative methodology and avoided serious risks. True, this investment scheme was primarily dictated by my perceived lack of disposable income, but as a consequence I have lost very little in the current market correction, fluctuation, or whatever other term is appropriate. Nonetheless, I feel this plainly demonstrates my exceedingly poor judgment. A more reckless approach relying extensively on short-selling, mortgage-backed securities and other worthless paper would have created a portfolio the envy of any Lehman Brothers or Merrill Lynch analyst, yet my future finances and retirement would have remained secure. All I needed to do was rely on the succor of my government.
As you can see Mr. Secretary, while I would appear to be by no means destitute, I have missed numerous opportunities to attain significant wealth and affluence. Had I chosen differently, ignoring both laws and common sense, I might now be able to seek your aid directly through the programs you have already announced. In the absence of one directed toward my circumstances, I ask you to devise another to account for those who weren‘t incompetent, devious, or lucky enough to act in a manner now making front-page headlines.
Perhaps my staid, responsible behavior indicates a defective integrity gene which would qualify as some sort of fiscal handicap. Could I then be covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act?
I anxiously await your reply.
Sincerely,Wayne Marshall